It's a feeling that deserves respect and support. Here are some ideas to help.
Tea with Julie

Welcome to "Tea with Julie," a weekly missive by me, Julie Bogart. My wish is to give you food for thought over a cup of tea to enhance your life as an educator, parent, and awesome adult. Glad you're here. Pinkies up!
P.S. Was this email forwarded to you? 
Add yourself to the list and get your own!

Cincinnati, May 9, 2020

Hi Friend,

There’s a difference between “boredom” (a feeling of futility) and “pause” (the let-down after a rush of activity). Sometimes a child who is "bored" is simply recalibrating after a vacation or visit from his best friend or post-birthday party. A soothing “downtime” activity like watching a DVD or taking a bath or going for a walk with the dog may be just the transition needed.

But true boredom is a red flag! It’s a signal to you that something needs to change about the environment or your interactions with your kids. It's not an indictment on a child’s ability to self-soothe or auto-entertain.

The most common advice given to parents when faced with a bored child is to load up that kid with chores. The thinking goes that the child will never utter the words "I'm bored" again to avoid mopping, vacuuming, and laundering.

Another common suggestion is to leave the child alone and eventually he or she will come out of it. We might tell our kids that life isn’t always interesting; that we all have to do things we don’t like. Less punitive advice might be to send bored children outdoors, post a list of possible activities, or remind the child of all the toys and supplies at hand.

For me, these responses to the “I’m bored” cry feel inadequate. I know when I express a feeling, I want someone to “get it” at minimum. I want my feeling recognized as legitimate or valid—at least, understandable given my circumstances. And the circumstances we're in right now are so limiting and repetitive, a little boredom is likely to be a natural reaction. So if someone is offering me solutions or punishments for being bored, frustrated, lonely, tired, cranky, or sad, I feel dismissed. Which is annoying.

On the other hand, I know when you are confronted with a bored gaggle of kids knowing they have a house overflowing with toys, books, play equipment, video games, movies, and siblings is utterly exasperating!

Here’s a down and dirty guide to boredom and children

(Feel free to use, edit, disregard as suits you and your family)

1. Agree with an equal amount of emotion in your voice. 

Child
“Mom, I’m bored."

You 
“You’re bored!? Oh man I HATE that feeling.”
“I remember feeling bored when I was a kid.”
“Boredom is SOOOO BORING! Ugh. Yuck. I get it.”
“Don’t you hate how you can be bored even though you have toys and games to play? I get that way sometimes.”

Let the feeling stand. You don’t have to solve it. Sometimes just "getting it" is enough.

2. Resist the temptation to solve the boredom with practical activities. 

Instead, offer support in “handling” it, like this:

“How have you solved being bored before? Can you remember? What usually works for you?”

“Sometimes when I’m bored I have to sit for a little bit to think about how I might get to the other side. Want to pull up a chair while I’m in the kitchen and sit here with me while you think about it?”

“I remember the last time you were bored, you took the dog for a walk and you came back with a new idea of what to do. Do you think that would work this time?”

Or ask the question:

“Do you mind being bored? Sometimes I like doing nothing—as a change of pace, just sitting around doing absolutely nothing at all. Do you ever like that?”

3. Invite the bored child (the one who is really struggling to find anything to do) to hang out with you until the child has a new idea of what to do.

“I hate being bored. I wish I had time to play a game with you. I’m washing dishes and I would love it if you would create a musical playlist for me to listen to while I do them. Would you mind doing that until you figure out what you want to do instead?”

“I was about to fold laundry. I know that probably doesn’t sound like fun, but until you know what you want to do, I’d love you to come talk to me to keep me company while I fold clothes. Would you mind doing that?”

“I’m on the computer right now. Come here! Look at these photos (story, Pinterest images, Facebook feed). Sometimes when I’m bored I just scroll through these news feeds endlessly. Not very productive, eh? Want to show me something online that I haven’t seen today?”

The goal here is to recognize that boredom is a condition of experience, but it doesn’t have to be overcome. Companionship is often one way to “heal” it for the moment allowing new ideas to come forward.

4. Suggest (after you may have tried the three ideas above) a project that is messy, that the child has wanted to do but you have put off, that is involving.

The key to overcoming boredom is “surprise.” Boredom is about relentless predictability. All of us get tired of that. Our toys bore us because they are familiar. Our books bore us because the newness has worn off. Our siblings bore us because they are always there. Our parents bore us because they are such adults all the time.

To rise above boredom means upsetting the stability and predictability of routine and familiarity. If your child is truly at the chronically bored place, it’s time to involve new experiences and those usually require time, companionship, and big messes.

  • Painting
  • Brand new board games
  • Hammers and nails
  • Taking apart old radios, bicycles, furniture, computers
  • Modeling clay
  • Baking
  • Sewing
  • Video games
  • A six part movie series
  • Having friends over (or in a Pandemic, setting up a Zoom meet up)
  • Planning a party

In other words—boredom may mean that life has become a bit dull, a bit of a drudgery, a bit repetitive.

Even in the academics, this happens. If you have been using the same set of workbooks for the entire year, it may be time to put them away for a week and do all hands-on activities for math, language arts, and science. Just change the tone and energy of the home.

Alternatively, use them in a new setting (some easier in non-stay-at-home order time): Starbucks, a park, the library, on the back deck, up in a treehouse, at a parent's big desk.

Boredom is real. It’s not the enemy. It doesn’t mean your child is misbehaving or willful. Boredom is not a sign of lack of gratitude or ingenuity. Boredom simply is—it’s another feeling that human beings have that deserves respect, support, and love. Like all of our feelings.

Remember, the way to address the “I’m bored” comment that comes from “nothing to do” is not to shame it or blame it. Rather, you want to create “space” for newness, for freshness. It’s okay not to plan all the activities for the day. It’s okay to let children explore their environment in search of something new to do. What isn’t okay is leaving them to search in a tedious, empty-of-possibilities environment. That’s what produces boredom and “I can’t think of anything to do.”

Your job is to keep a home that is flexible enough, well enough stocked, surprising enough (on many occasions, not just once-in-a-blue-moon), and accessible enough to your kids. It should be a home where kid activity is welcomed. It should be a home where messes are freely made. It should be a home where when bored, you'll find a friend who understands and walks with you through it to the other side.

Warmly,

JulieSignature.png

 

 

P.S. Catch up on all the “Tea with Julie” emails here!

Julie Bogart
© 2020 Brave Writer LLC™
help@bravewriter.com

 

Brave Writer

 .

 

 

Share this email: