Welcome to "Tea with Julie," a weekly missive by me, Julie Bogart. My wish is to give you food for thought over a cup of tea to enhance your life as an educator, parent, and awesome adult. Glad you're here. Pinkies up!
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Cincinnati, November 30, 2024
Hi Friend,
What about kids and chores? Below are some ideas that were valuable to me (and these were originally shared in a longer audio lecture for Brave Learner Home). These ideas came through Faber and Maslisch's books as well as time spent on parenting and homeschooling email lists.
Children are People
One of the foundational principles is that children are people. They are not simply the smaller version of adults that we sometimes expect them to be. They are individuals with their own likes and dislikes, with their own perspectives about what it means to keep a sanitary space, or what it means to be cluttered.
We want to think that it's possible to train our children out of their natural proclivities, but here’s a story I like to share about myself. I was graced with two parents who are absolute neatniks. Both of them are wonderful at decluttering spaces, keeping all of their clothes perfectly folded inside of drawers, and keeping tables cleared. I mean, is that even possible? In my world, it's not.
I have never been good at decluttering. I used to leave my clothes on the floor every night at bed. I still throw my clothes on the floor before I go to sleep. I know how to keep a space basically clean, and I know how to whip it into shape in an hour for company. But my natural tendency is not to be a neat person to the degree that my parents are.
In my opinion, the propensity towards a decluttered, neat space and one that is messy and maybe not cared for comes from within. I don't think it comes from training.
What If…
What if we start with the notion that our goal in doing chores is to make the living situation shared by many people easier for our daily lives to exist in? What if the desire to have our kids pitch in is more because we simply can't do all the work by ourselves, and we need help to run the household?
Parents decide how much furniture to have, how many clothes to buy, how many DVDs or CDs they'll collect. We often accumulate a huge quantity of material goods that need to be cared for, stored, and cleaned. And we somehow assume that our children should feel responsible to contribute to that effort.
The bottom line, though, is that kids make no decisions about most of the items that they use every day. Sure, by the time they're thirteen, they might buy themselves a doll. They might get their own video game. But the number of possessions that they can say they purchased without parental help is so tiny that it almost isn't worth mentioning.
What if we recognized that our kids didn't volunteer for any of this? They were simply born into the world, and they have their own agenda for how they want to spend their time.
It's usually our values that are driving all of these needs that we have. Our values of clean clothes, shared family meals, and not leaving shoes in the middle of the hall so that we don't trip in the middle of the night.
These are things parents care about. And if we want to enlist our children's support to create a smoothly functioning household, it helps to begin with the idea of help.
Asking for Help
I remember vividly the shift I made when I moved away from telling my kids what they had to do in order to be good, conscientious members of the family and instead invited their help for what I wanted done.
In the beginning, at least with some of the kids, there was not a noticeable difference. When I asked for help, they flat out took me seriously and turned me down. But a couple of my kids would pitch in. And before you knew it, even a reluctant helper would say things to me like, “It's really late. You look tired. Why don't you go to bed and I’ll clean up after I’m done gaming.”
Now bickering, fighting, not wanting to contribute, those are real. And I'm not saying that they go away the first time you ask for help. Sometimes, you may have to do the work yourself until your kids realize that you really aren't out to punish them through chores.
Something that worked pretty well for us is when we had a big project, we had as many people working at the same time as possible. When you have a community project, you divide up jobs, and everyone's doing them at the same time, so there’s a sense of normalcy around the activity. It doesn't feel like someone's missing out, doing a chore while everyone else is having fun.
Our house required extensive leaf raking each year, and that's how we handled it. We put on the boombox, music, everyone raking, and then we would buy soda because soda was a rare treat.
Another way to deal with the ongoing need to keep a semblance of order, I got from the fly lady, honestly. I’d set the timer and declare a “five minute pickup.” Everyone can do something for five minutes, and just getting a space reclaimed where it was more visually pleasing was often enough to keep me from going over the edge into anxiety and discontent.
To Recap
So recognize children as respected members of the family. Ask for help when you need it. Sometimes work alongside your kids or in a group. Also, make sure the amount of work is proportionate to their age and maturity.
Psst: Don't miss our Black Friday sale going on this weekend!
Warmly,
P.S. Catch up on all the “Tea with Julie” emails here!
Julie Bogart
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