[Tea] How can I get my child to be a more independent learner?

Welcome to "Tea with Julie," a weekly missive by me, Julie Bogart. My wish is to give you food for thought over a cup of tea to enhance your life as an educator, parent, and awesome adult. Glad you're here. Pinkies up!
P.S. Was this email forwarded to you? Add yourself to the list and get your own!

Cincinnati, November 2, 2024

Hi Friend,

We've talked about parenting before, early in our Tea with Julie journey. Think of it as Parenting 101, where we focused primarily on the parent's attitude and actions.

During the month of November, we'll look more closely at your kids part in the dynamic. Our theme is Parenting 102: Cooperation, Chores, Sibling Rivalry, and more!

Today, we answer the question: How can I get my child to be a more independent learner?

What Is Independent Learning?

Some home educators believe (whether true or not) that kids in school are basically learning independently. School kids get themselves to and from class, jot down the homework assignment, complete the work often without assistance, and return that work to school.

Homeschool parents wish their children would get their work done without:

help,
reminders,
cajoling.

And yet: school kids are not independent learners. They are performing a set of tasks determined by the teacher, with due dates and clear instructions. School kids learn how to follow instructions and perform the assigned tasks on their own. I call this: “Doing schoolwork alone.”

Independent learning is something else!

The independent learner takes initiative to learn what is important to them. The independent learner finds resources to support learning: asks for help, conducts research, tries and fails, complains to an empathetic listener, suggests alternative methods for learning, and may want companionship just for the support it offers.

A child who can “do schoolwork alone” is not necessarily learning independently. Rather that child is good at cooperation or obedience without help.

Independent learning means caring about what you are learning and then:

gathering resources,
asking questions,
knowing when you need support,
trying, failing,
taking breaks. and trying again.

Being good at “doing schoolwork alone” is especially painful for homeschooled kids. They don’t even get to go to school for a break from all that alone schoolwork. Independent learning can be a joyful experience of companionship and adventure!

So remember: there’s a difference between independent learning and “doing schoolwork by yourself.” Independent learning means taking the initiative to teach yourself what you want to learn but does not mean you always have to learn alone.

What CAN Parents Do?

In The Self-Driven Child, William Stixrud and Ned Johnson lay out the argument (with the science and experience to back it) that the single most important thing for a child to thrive is to feel that they are in charge of their lives.

This means the most effective action we can take in encouraging our kids to be self-driven is to give them control over their lives and send them the message that we trust that they can and will, with our support, figure it out.

Start with the basics, by adopting the following three precepts when it comes to your kids:

"You are the expert on you."
"You have a brain in your head."
"You want your life to work."

The paradox, of course, is that while we may appreciate that this is true in theory, it is much harder for us as parents to do in practice. Giving our kids more control over themselves requires us to give up our illusion of control over them, which is no easy feat!

Of course, it is no easy feat for many understandable reasons. For many of us, it was not how we were raised and we do not have a good idea of how this should look. We look at our kids and can't see how they can possibly be expected to make good decisions about important things, because, well, they are just kids, right?

Yet all the research tells us that a sense of control over their lives is the key to self-direction.

If you'd like more support, join us in Brave Learner Home and take our Master Class called Inner Drive: How to Help Your Kids Develop Motivation (includes a webinar with Dr. Stixrud!).

Warmly,

P.S. Catch up on all the “Tea with Julie” emails here!