[Tea] How to help your kids get along

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Cincinnati, November 16, 2024

Hi Friend,

One of the things the book, Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish, generated in me when I read it was an awareness of our family culture.

I wanted to facilitate good dynamics between my kids, but I also recognized that sometimes the way their dad and I behaved towards them actually undermined that goal.

So I made a little list of some of the behaviors and actions and words that parents use that might undermine the spirit of cooperation in the family.

Under Pressure

One of the practices we adopted was called the “family couch.” When siblings were in conflict, we’d sometimes bring them together on the couch and would let the injured child (their feelings were hurt, their toy was taken, their shirt was ripped, etc.) tell their brother or sister what it was that had happened and how it made them feel.

Then the other child got to respond, but they couldn't share their perspective until they restated what they heard their sibling say (another option might be to separately write down each child’s feelings and concerns and then read them aloud together).

We'd allow time for rebuttal then ask for solutions, jotting down suggestions without evaluating. Lastly, we agreed on a solution everyone could live with.

Where we went wrong sometimes was pushing for resolution. But artificial reconciliation can create pretense and that’s not healthy. The goal should be the freedom to communicate honestly and that may include a bit of “knocking up against each other,” as my therapist would say.

So you might also table the discussion, let everyone think about it, and revisit another day. We want children to learn to really hear each other, instead of feeling pressured to quickly "make up.".

Coercion vs. Cooperation

Coercion is the worst way to create family harmony.

We most readily associate it with rage and anger and telling people what to do. But there are other forms like passive aggressive coercion, where you withdraw smiles and act like you don't hear what they're saying, or you insinuate your expectations instead of sharing them deliberately and clearly.

A coercive culture in the home means that family members are not at peace. One of the ways you know you have that going on is if anyone has the sensation of walking on eggshells around someone else.

Also, coercion is an attempt to get what you want without being honest.

Let's say the kids are jumping on the couches and it's bedlam in your living room, and you've got company coming in half an hour, and you can't remember what you're making for dinner. I mean, that happened to me. I don't know how many plates to count. I don't know where the placemats are! Like, you are suddenly so lost in the family dynamic, and now you have to focus and concentrate on something concrete, and you can't remember anything. So what you really want is peace and quiet so your brain can function.

Coercion:

Stop jumping on the couches! You guys are driving me crazy! Can't you get along? Go play somewhere where you're not making such a racket.

Cooperation:

Hey, everybody! I'm freaking out. I feel fluttery and upset, and I don't want to take it out on you. I’m going to breathe for a moment. (Take two big breaths.) Okay, here's the deal. Normally, I love it when you play on the couches. But right now, I've got to get ready for our family friends who are coming over to spend the evening with us. So if you’ll dial it down for ten minutes while I figure out what we're gonna eat then after that, we'll reevaluate.

Honestly state your needs. Realizing, though, that sometimes you have to also be generous and giving and show that you support your children and can be inconvenienced, so that when you ask them to inconvenience themselves, they have you as their role model.

Tone of Voice

Kindness is probably the most important element of a family culture.

And kindness has everything to do with tone of voice.

You can have the right words and the wrong tone of voice.

You can have the right tone of voice and the wrong words.

What we're looking for is a match. Right words, right tone.

With my kids, I did not freak out on a regular basis. Mine was more erratic, and it was usually built over a big amount of pressure.

What I discovered over time is that I could pay attention to what was going on inside of me before I spoke. I could actually alert myself. I realized that a jittery and fast heart rate did not generate the right tone of voice in me even if I was careful to select the right words.

So a way to know what kind of tone you have is being aware of what the underlying body sensation is in you as you're speaking.

Do you feel hyped up? Nervous?
Are you trembling? Breathing fast? Breaking out in a sweat?
Do you feel stubborn—where you already know what outcome you want and are expecting?

I would invite you to try and notice the next time. You're not going to be perfect. Right? None of us are. It's human to sometimes not be on your game.

We can't always stop, but as we get more self aware, we can. I remember hearing a friend say that when she feels that revving up inside of her, she gives herself a mommy time out to regroup.

But it's worth working toward because if we want our kids to cooperate with and be kind to each other then we need to show them how.

Questions to Ponder

What are the goals of the sibling interactions that you supervise and monitor? Are you coming from a place of supportiveness?
Are you facilitating the ability for kids to hear each other without coercing them into solutions or premature resolution?
Do you have a culture in your family where people are walking on eggshells? And if so, what can you do about it?
How can you identify when you're going to jump off that little deep end into speech and tone that you really don't want to be in with your family?

For more support, join Brave Learner Home and take our Master Class: Sibling Conflict.

Warmly,

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