[Tea] Shifting the Power

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Cincinnati, May 14, 2022

Hi Friend,

Let's talk about power dynamics in families. There’s no question about “who’s in charge” in a family. Kids know. Parents know.

Adults carry the responsibility so they have the power.

Knowing we're in charge, we often use that power to run our families and homeschools. We set out the expectations of what is to be done and then we expect respectful cooperation. When our kids don’t share the same goals and don’t have the same instincts, many parents assume the child is in rebellion or is willful. (Books have been written to illustrate this point.)

Kids who don’t share the same goals or perspective, instead, will assume their parents are mean and don’t understand kids. (Kids wish they had written books to illustrate this point.)

The Imbalance

There is an imbalance between the perspectives of parents and children (one has books with studies to support its viewpoint and the other doesn’t—all kids have is whining, crying, ignoring and acts of passive aggression).

This imbalance can create havoc for the homeschooling parent who hopes their children will write one day. Kids might believe that the parent’s insistence that they write is another one of those power-plays designed to meet adult needs while ignoring the viewpoints of children.

When one group experiences itself as marginalized (not able to express its views in a way that "lands" with the powers-that-be and causes change) and the other group experiences itself as in power with the ability to coerce compliance, crankiness has the chance to fester and develop into full-blown rage or disinterested passivity (the “I surrender” stance).

For some reason, working on writing causes the power struggle to show its full colors. Kids have a knack for resisting parental input when it’s related to the writing they do. Their writing is the one space that children try to protect from parental control—writing equals “who I am” and as a result, they want their writing to be accepted as is, punctuation mistakes and spelling errors included.

If we want to see crankiness replaced by joy (since it is my contention that joy is the best teacher), we have to shift the power dynamics. We need to hear our marginalized poor, our “oh-so-powerless” kids. We have to “divest” ourselves of our power and serve our kids.

Shift the Power

Here are some sure fire ways to move from first to last so your kids can move from last to first:

1) Apologize.

I remember at one seminar encouraging the parents to rub their kids’ shoulders before a freewrite. A mom’s hand shot into the air. She couldn’t believe it! Just that morning, her son had asked her to rub his shoulders, before he started writing. She told him, “This is school. This is not play time. I’m not rubbing your shoulders. You should get to work and stop dilly-dallying.” Lightbulb! She suddenly saw. Unwittingly, she had undermined his success in writing that morning. Say you’re sorry. Then start over, together.

2) Take the same risks your kids take.

When they write, you write. Freewrite once in awhile when they do. Risk sharing your writing so that they can hear and read it. Respect and honor the process you are asking them to engage in. You will sympathize with their efforts if you have experienced the same kinds of blocks and blanks that they experience with writing from time to time. And the biggest bonus of all: you’ll learn how you break through stuck places so you can share those insights with your kids.

3) Ask permission.

Your child is not just a writer, but an author. Authors deserve final control over their writing. Let your child know that the input you offer is optional and that you won’t give unwanted input. Discuss artistic choices. Then let the writer decide which of these artistic choices she prefers to make. If you take this approach with all writing (personal, academic, assigned), over time your child will come to value and ask for your input. Trust me.

4) Ask for your child’s writing goals.

Your child may tell you up front that he has no goals for writing. If that is the case, you can share the goals you have for your writing… and then pursue them, right in front of your child. “Wait honey. I’m working on that piece about gardening for my online community, remember? I’ll be right with you. Hey can you listen a minute—how does this sound?” I know you have goals for your children’s writing. We’ll discuss that at another time. Right now we are working toward unhooking the power struggle.

If your child has goals (such as, contributing to a discussion forum or writing a short story or learning how to write poetry in calligraphy), support your child in reaching those goals. Do they need more time on the computer? Do they need a book about story writing? Can you purchase a set of pens and offer a book of poems with which to practice their calligraphy?

5) Make writing opportunities interesting.

If writing has become a curse instead of a joy, take a break from writing. Read, talk, read, talk, watch movies, read, talk. Of course a new freewriting prompt left on an empty kitchen table with brand new colored pens and pretty paper sometimes jump starts the reluctant writer as well. Don’t say anything. Just leave it all out and see what happens. Jump in the car and bring journals along. Write at a coffee shop, all of you, together. Change the setting and you’ll change the attitude.

Let Go of Outcomes

If you shift the power dynamic in your home—giving up some of your power so that those without power get some—you’ll see a shift in the level of joy in your home.

It may take some time before they trust that you are truly divesting (not just manipulating them). You have to let go of outcomes and not see this as a strategy. But once they believe you—that you are unequivocally on their side and they know it—they will trust you to give input into their writing and to even make some suggestions of what kinds of writing they may want to attempt or learn.

What an honor to be the one to foster that kind of home environment!

Warmly,

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