[Tea] Self-awareness—We need to calm down!

Welcome to "Tea with Julie," a weekly missive by me, Julie Bogart. My wish is to give you food for thought over a cup of tea to enhance your life as an educator, parent, and awesome adult. Glad you're here. Pinkies up!
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Cincinnati, March 7, 2020

Hi Friend,

Before we begin today's topic, I want to review a few comments I received on last week's email about parental anger. I heard back from many of you! Most of the comments were grateful for the topic.

A few emailers reached out to say that they wished I had offered more hope. They felt deflated and worried that they could not overcome the effects of parental anger on their children. I want to take this moment to clarify my intent with that email.

Children are resilient and can overcome trauma—whether victim to a tornado or bombings during a war or surviving chemo. They can also overcome emotional abuse and anger.

The point of my email was to make clear, however, that the effect of parental anger is as potent as surviving a tornado.

Children need space and time to heal. We give them that best chance by curbing our behavior going forward. Adults can change how they behave by seeking treatment or support as they unlearn patterns or habits of behavior. I linked to the experts: a Psychology Today article with steps you can take now.

The good news is: self-awareness (more on that below) combined with a desire to grow and change on the part of the parent has a life-giving impact on children! They do heal and so do you.

Thank you for writing and trusting me with your thoughts.

And now, today's topic: self-awareness.

We spend a lot of time on the 3 R’s and creating a happy, invested learning life with our kids. We show them household skills like wallpaper stripping and toilet-bowl scrubbing.

The chief skill we need to impart for successful relationships in life is self-awareness. Self-awareness, in this little piece, means “the ability to know your thoughts, feelings, and needs; and then to take care of them yourself.”

Blame is how we behave when we don't have self-awareness. We lash out at the nearest person, expecting the unsuspecting, kind bystander to take care of the agitation suddenly erupting inside. For instance, a hungry child may grab your pant leg and whine, “Mommy, I don’t want to go to the store” when really he means, “Mommy, I need a cup of Cheez-its.”

An older child, humiliated in defeat, just beaten by long-distance competitors in World of Warcraft, may suddenly yell at a sibling: “Turn down the television! I hate that show!”

The “thing” that evokes the anger or whining is often a cover for what’s really going on. We don’t want to know ourselves because if we do, we must act for our own good.

We wrongly assume that it feels better to get someone else to act for us.

One way to foster self-awareness in family members is to have it yourself.

Narrate your own self-inquiry and self-care:

“These shoes littering the hallway are driving me crazy! Wait. I just realized that I’m trying to think of how to coordinate Sarah’s dress rehearsal with Sam’s soccer match and these shoes are distracting me from thinking of a solution. I feel like yelling!”

It isn’t always natural to narrate your inner life, but it is helpful when you do.

You can also help your children develop self-awareness:

“I see you don’t want to go to the store. Are you hungry? Can I make you a turkey sandwich, first, and then we’ll see if you want to go?”

“Whoa! That’s a huge reaction to a TV show. What happened? Did something ‘not good’ happen in your game?”

Eruptions are usually the result of not attending to the build-up of stress and anxiety inside. We aren’t honest with ourselves—we’re:

hungry,
tired,
worried,
fearful,
insecure.

Instead, we blame the nearest intrusion as the reason for our “un-peace.”

In some instances, we shout!

Here's how to reverse that habit.

Pause.
Help your child (and yourself!) take responsibility for the panicky explosion.
Learn how to self-soothe, how to provide self-care.
- Deep breaths
- Rolling the shoulders up, back, and down
- Hugging your knees to your chest for a moment
- Walking out of the room...

I remember when my third child, Jacob, was a toddler, he’d get worked up into a near-tantrum state. He’d suddenly leave the room and throw himself onto his bed for a good cry. When he finished, he’d trot back to us, all cheery and ready to play. Pretty high self-awareness for a 2-3 year old! Cracked us up!

You can do the same thing for yourself and for your child.

I was watching my niece with her son who was 3 at the time. He started to lose it when we were getting ready to get in the car for an outing. He didn't want to leave yet. As his little face began to quiver, his mother swooped in next to him, put her arm firmly around his shoulders and said, "Breathe in!" and they breathed in a full breath together. Then she said, "Breathe out" and they shared a long exhale. Two more times, and he was calm. Then she talked to him about a snack to bring in the car. Off we went.

Such a small thing!

A few days later when that same nephew felt his anxiety rise, I heard him say to himself, "Breathe in Massey." And there he went, breathing in and out on his own to calm down. Amazing.

Help your kids understand how to take themselves out of the room/activity while they figure out what’s going on inside. Help them breathe. Help them know it's okay to be upset and what to do when the feelings rise.

There’s nothing wrong with being heart-broken about losing a game or annoyed that trips to the store are preventing lunch. Knowing that is what’s going on inside is key to family harmony.

Warmly,

P.S. Catch up on all the “Tea with Julie” emails here!