[Tea] What to do if your kids bicker

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Cincinnati, April 18, 2020

Hi Friend,

How do you have a “together-style homeschool” when your kids bicker?

Maybe now more than ever, your kids are getting on each other's nerves. Let's talk about it.

Below are ideas for some common issues.

Caveat: It’s much easier to give guidance now that my children are out of the house! My memories are telescoped and not as present-to-me as your current very-alive-to-you frustrations. Just know this:

Some days just suck.
Sometimes everything you try doesn’t work.
Sometimes you need breaks from each other and from homeschool.
Sometimes you try all the “right approaches” and they feel like stiff shoes – not natural to you or how you are as a group.

You know your family! The “together-style” homeschool is an option, not a requirement.

With that said, here are practices that worked for us:

My turn/no your turn

Two options:

Have more “whatever” available so no turns need to be taken.
Don’t use this item/process/book during family homeschool time.

Examples—If your kids are fighting over LEGO, you might need more LEGO. If they are wanting to look at the same book, you may need a second copy or you need another book of comparable interest. Two sets of headphones, two picket knives, two American Girl dolls. This option often requires extra cash and effort. If you don’t have either, go on to suggestion two.

If there is no way to expand the number of items (2-3 sets of binoculars, knitting needles for all, several cameras, a variety of writing implements, many clipboards, several iPads or Tablets, more than one computer), then save the individual item task for another time (not during "all together" family time). Save it for independent time. If you have lots of kids, create a sign up sheet with time slots so that the kids can have a neutral third party hold them accountable—the sheet of paper.

Our biggest fights were over TV and computer time. We could not afford to have more computers or TVs. That meant we had to have “turns.” I refused to police these turns or even solve the “…but you started at 12:02 so that means…” arguments. That said: this solution was still fraught with challenge. We had many meetings to discuss modifications to the practice.

For a long time, we had a sign up sheet and we agreed on a specific clock. Eventually, they figured out how to create predictable time slots per child and were done with the sheet. That didn’t eliminate all of the fighting, but by and large it did afford uninterrupted play time.

We did discover after several months that 30 minutes was “too short” a turn for video games. We changed the time slot amount to 2 hours so that it was possible to get immersed in a game. That helped.

Older sibling annoyed with youngsters who don’t know as much

This one will be frustrating while it lasts but it will change.

Maybe rather than annoyance you can feature older children's diligence to learn and grow.

You might ask them to teach one of the younger ones.
Find out if they're needing a playmate who is of comparable skill (if none are available then you are that playmate!).
Or see if they are frustrated because the younger sibling's lack of knowledge is thwarting progress in some way. Fix THAT and the older child's impatience will dissipate (usually).

Interrupting/everyone talking at once

Interruptions are frustrating to everyone!

Hold a family meeting to discuss how interruptions may take place and how to all talk at once. You might start with:

“Have you noticed when we all talk at once, we all get frustrated?”
“Have you noticed when two kids are playing and a third joins, the first two get mad?”
"Have you noticed when we interrupt each other then it's hard for anyone to make a point?"

Then ask, “What can we do about that?” or “If it were up to you, how would you solve that problem?”

Get them involved in the process. They may have a good idea—like:

talking only when you have the stuffed bear in your hand and if you want to talk, picking it up first,
setting a timer to give each person uninterrupted minutes to speak,
or if the older two are busy and the younger one wants to interrupt, helping the older two to know how to talk to an interrupter. Maybe they hold up a hand like a “stop” sign for a moment, and then turn and make eye contact and say, “What did you want?” Sometimes a hand sign is much better than escalating voices.

Here’s the thing

These issues you are talking about? They are actually the most important lessons you can teach.

Ignoring the tension or expecting a cure all–both unrealistic. It takes years of negotiating for peace before your kids learn to be peaceful with each other.

You facilitate peace by hearing the real feelings of each participant and solving for a meaningful solution for each person. It takes time and work—and is worth skipping all home education for the day or week to get it right.

Warmly,

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